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JON ZAL: Ye Olde Blog

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No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

May 13, 2010 22 Comments

OK, seriously: What’s with all the hubbub about high unemployment rates in this country? Because I’m still two business days away from my lay-off, and already the job offers are coming at me faster than I can keep up with them. You jobless whiners out there must be a bunch of losers; this job-search shit is even easier than kicking my kids’ asses at Candyland.

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Life

Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

May 12, 2010 32 Comments

Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me ... in a field about which I know nothing
Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me … in a field about which I know nothing

Since learning last week that I’ve been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email:

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Life

It’s a good thing I’m so naturally crafty and handy and oh wait no I’m not

March 29, 2010 24 Comments

Pinewood Derby

It was supposed to be so simple: take the little block of wood, cut it into a car-like shape, slap some paint on it, attach the wheels, ta-dah, done, finished, no sweat.

Of course, when it comes to me, nothing is simple … particularly a pseudo-carpentry project.

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Parenthood, Zan

If not for The Force, Darth Vader would have totally gotten his ass kicked, because that suit? Not very practical.

November 11, 2009 22 Comments

Daddy Vader

OK, so here’s the story with this bullshit:

A few weeks ago, my wife and I took the kids to the comic-book store. While there, my wife, who is on the school council at our son’s elementary school, hit up the owner to help sponsor a school fundraiser by providing for the event one of the costumed characters that often appear at the store. The owner said he didn’t have anyone specific he could send, but he’d be willing to loan out the store’s $800 Darth Vader costume.

“Jon’s pretty tall,” Mr. Helpful Comic-Book Store Owner suggested. “He could wear it.”

Well, as we all know by now, no one loves to get himself into ridiculous shit more than me, so I, of course, said, “Yeah, I’ll do it.”

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Parenthood Tagged With: star wars

“Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” a.k.a., “How George Lucas Took A Giant Poop On Yet Another Beloved Trilogy From Your Childhood”

June 23, 2009 5 Comments

Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal SkullA refrigerator. Indy hid in a refrigerator. In order to survive a nuclear blast. A refrigerator. A refrigerator that got tossed through the air, end over end, for miles. By the blast. The blast from the atomic bomb. The atomic bomb that instantly vaporized everything in a five-mile radius. Everything, that is, except for the refrigerator—which the blast from the atomic bomb instead launched through the air, for miles and miles, until it hit the ground. Hard. Miles away from the blast site. With Indiana Jones inside of it.

And he popped open the door and got out and coughed a couple times. And was fine.

And that was in the first 15 minutes.

Which brings me to the real point here, and that is:

Someone needs to cut off George Lucas’s hands and force feed them to him in order to ensure that he never again attempts to write a movie.

My expectations for “Indiana Jones 4” (I’m not typing out all that “Crystal Skull” bullshit again) were low. Like, really, really low. And I said as much to my Dad as we sat down on the couch to watch the DVD.

“How bad could it be?” he asked.

“Trust me,” I answered. “You didn’t see what he did with that ‘Star Wars’ prequel.”

But I still held out a little hope that all might not be lost. After all, Lucas both wrote and directed the “Star Wars” prequel … and, while the story and plot for those three flicks were convoluted as all hell, it was the horrifically bad acting that really sank the ship. Maybe, just maybe, in the hands of a more capable director, Lucas’s “Indiana Jones 4” would work.

Now, here I must ask: does Steven Spielberg know that he is listed in the credits as the director of “Indiana Jones 4”? Because, clearly, that can’t be true. There is no way that Spielberg would have risked his reputation by allowing this clunker to see the light of day.

“Hi, George? It’s Steven.”

“Hey hey! Steve-o-rino! Sorry, I was busy counting all this money that Burger King just dropped off. Do you have any idea how much cash they gave me so that they could plaster Harrison’s wrinkled mug on the side of a soda cup? God, I love this business!”

“Yeah, well, actually, Harrison’s here with me, and we’re calling about the script. We were shooting the warehouse scene today? The one with the magnetic skull? And we were noticing that the script calls for every piece of metal in the known universe to suddenly be drawn to the skull—every piece of metal, that is, except for the rifles carried by the dozen or so Russian soldiers standing right next to it.”

“And …? C’mon, Steve-o, time is money. What’s the problem?”

“Well, George, it just doesn’t seem very plausible.”

“Plausible? It doesn’t seem plausible? I take it you haven’t shot the refrigerator scene yet?”

I’d go on, but after writing all of the above, I discovered this satirical, abridged version of the script, which really does sum it all up rather nicely.

And while we’re on the subject of George Lucas exploiting the good feelings you had about an epic childhood trilogy, be sure to also check out this abridged version of the script for “Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.”

UPDATED 06.26.09: No, I totally wasn’t kidding about the refrigerator:

Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Movies

Another mouth to feed

February 3, 2009 40 Comments

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners?

Baby Alive Tink & Poops

This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself.

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Jayna, Parenthood Tagged With: Greatest Hits

Um, no, really: I’m with the band …

November 13, 2008 3 Comments

Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails

There is a scene in the movie “Almost Famous” during which the protagonist — a young and budding music journalist — approaches the backstage door of a concert venue, rings the buzzer, gives the surly security guard his name and says that he’s there to interview the band.

The guard checks the guest list on his clipboard.

“You’re not on the list,” he says dismissively and slams the door shut.

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Music

Example of why I have learned to mostly quit while I’m ahead

September 12, 2008 3 Comments

iPhone

Me to Wonder Woman after running outside and catching her before she backs out of the driveway so that I can hand to her the cellphone she left on the kitchen counter—the one that I can never reach her on:

“Please keep this on you.”

“I do.”

“Apparently not.”

“Yes, I do. That’s why it was inside.”

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Filed Under: Daddy Scratches, Life, Marriage

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ABOUT ME

Jon Zal @ The Capitol

I was born in 1970, raised just outside of Boston, and now live near Philadelphia. As a child, I thought I was going to be…
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Husband, father, writer, podcaster, drummer, Army vet (M.P. K-9), ex-music journalist. #BlackLivesMatter

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
18 Jun 1537973122564911108

Now that’s what I call an “Out of Office” message.

Taking a break. Catch you next month.👋🏻 🇮🇹

Image for the Tweet beginning: Now that’s what I call Twitter feed image.
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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
11 Jun 1535717917324726272

Really hoping a later episode of “Obi-Wan” explains that Little Leia was using a Jedi mind trick to make full-grown men incapable of catching her during multiple, low-speed foot pursuits.

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
10 Jun 1535405282024738816

Republican pronouns: Me/My/Mine

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
10 Jun 1535275808075415556

Cop-killing insurrectionist party claims expiration date has passed on attempt to overthrow the American government.

House Judiciary GOP @JudiciaryGOP

All. Old. News.

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
10 Jun 1535273541762965504

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
9 Jun 1534922033531965447

Republicans: “Back the Blue*!”

*into a corner … and throw things at them … and trample them … and douse them with bear spray … and beat them with flagpoles … before vandalizing the Capitol & hunting down the Vice President so we can hang him

“Party of Law & Order” my ass.

Republicans: “Back the Blue*!”

*into a corner … and throw things at them … and trample them … and douse them with bear spray … and beat them with flagpoles … before vandalizing the Capitol & hunting down the Vice President so we can hang him

“Party of Law & Order” my ass.
Scott MacFarlane @MacFarlaneNews

All at once... a police line is breached and the mob fights through!

Newly released video exhibit from US Justice Dept in Capitol riot case

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
3 Jun 1532800057287884800

[Children are required to wear a lightweight square over their nose & mouth during a public-health crisis]

Republicans: "WE'RE CAUSING THEM IRREPARABLE HARM! TYRANNY! THIS MUST END NOW!"

[Children are regularly slaughtered by guns]

Republicans: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal 🇺🇦 @jon_zal ·
3 Jun 1532749551471366146

“We require extensive training for service members to handle weapons. We only issue live ammunition under strict supervision. I would say the military takes weapons safety & storage very seriously, while the civilian community in America does not.”

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They Are the Good Guys With Guns. After Another Mass Shooting, Veterans Want Change.

After yet another school shooting, veterans continue to speak up, on social media, in organizations they have formed, and in the media.

www.military.com

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Photographic evidence that I occasionally leave th Photographic evidence that I occasionally leave the house. Rare … but it happens.
Go @RedSox! #OpeningDay Go @RedSox!
#OpeningDay
New profile pic. Previous one was six years old. S New profile pic. Previous one was six years old. Started to feel like a lie.

Longest my hair's been in 18 years. Planning to let it keep growing for a bit. Not gonna let it get as long as it was Back In The Day (read: down to my chest), but ... I need a change.

Anyway ... that's me now. 👋🏻
Just gutted by this loss. Van Halen, Rolling Sto Just gutted by this loss. 

Van Halen, Rolling Stones & Foo Fighters. That’s my Big Three … and of those three, there’s only one I was banking on as a go-to active interest for the next couple of decades. 

As with Van Halen, I fell in love with Foo Fighters not only because of the music, but because of the fun those guys had with, and love they had for, each other.

Had plans in place to go see Foos play in Oregon this October for the final stop on their now-canceled tour. Can’t believe I won’t get to see Dave & Taylor play together again. 

Dave was the first interview I ever did with someone who wasn’t a member of Van Halen. He let me call him at home one weekend, 22 years ago. Two East Coast guys, same age, drummers, music lovers, shooting the shit on a Saturday afternoon. It remains one of my favorite memories. 

I briefly met Taylor in Austin, TX, back in 2006 when he and his solo band somehow got put up at the same shitty Holiday Inn as me. He was very kind, gracious and cool to this awkward, socially anxious fanboy. Saw him play live that night, his drum kit positioned at the front lip of the stage so he could sing lead and play drums at the same time. Great set. 

I am absolutely gutted thinking about what Dave is going through right now. 

Hadn’t been playing much in recent months. Been sweating it right the fuck out every day since Taylor passed, though. Nonstop Foo Fighters & Nirvana play-along sessions. Only way I’ve been able to channel the grief. Glad I have that outlet. (Thanks for getting my ass behind the kit again, Taylor.)

Really hoping Dave finds a way to make peace with this tragic loss and keep being the joyful soul & inspiration he’s been to so many of us for so long now. 

#RIPTaylorHawkins 🥁💔
#FooFighters
My weekend? Awesome, thanks. How 'bout yours? Ret My weekend? Awesome, thanks. How 'bout yours?

Returned home Sunday and all is well now, but ... man, for a guy who not once in 52 years spent a night at the hospital or experienced a serious medical emergency, I made up for it in spades last week.

Celebrated Valentine's Day with my first colonoscopy. Couple small polyps removed. No cancer found, and no other problems. "Return in five years." Yay! 🥳

Fast forward to last Thursday (2/24), at which time large quantities of nothing but blood began exiting my body via an orifice from which large quantities of blood should not pass. So that was disconcerting.

Pro-Tip™: A good way to skip the wait at the ER is to show them a picture of a toilet bowl filled with nothing but your own blood and then pass out.

Three mostly sleepless beep-filled nights, one CT scan, a couple IV bags, several bazillion blood draws & some bad hospital food later, I was home without any further issues, and, thankfully, no surgery or other medical intervention required.

But, yeah ... hoping to never do that again. 🥴

So, uh, anyway ... how you doin'?
Happy #nationalmargaritaday. 🍹 Happy #nationalmargaritaday. 🍹
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