I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners?
This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself, amirite?
But she is all my daughter wanted for Christmas, so Santa came through, and my daughter, well, she was beyond excited when on Christmas morning she found her new baby under the tree.
“What are you going to name her?” we asked.
“Baby Alive Tink & Poops,” she replied.
“But don’t you want to give her a pretty name, like Stephanie or Rebecca or something?”
“No.”
“You’re just going to call her Baby Alive Tink & Poops?”
“Yes.”
And she meant it. It’s February, and blondie here remains known only as Baby Alive Tink & Poops.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, though: I have my own special pet name for her, which I’ve not yet shared with anyone. I like to call her the You’ve Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me Doll.
Because, look, I have a sense of humor, OK? I can take a joke. But this little bug-eyed brat? She pushes it way too far.
As if the tinking and the pooping weren’t enough, missy here also talks. So, the first time she announced that she was hungry, well, my wife and daughter whipped up a delicious bowl of green glop made from the special powder that came with BATP, and my daughter then shoved it down BATP’s gullet.
A short while later, of course, BATP announced that she needed to go potty. Ever the attentive mother, my daughter sprang into action, removing BATP’s diaper and sitting her on the potty so that she could evacuate the green slop from her plastic rectum, and is it really necessary to make a doll that shits? I mean, come on, really? Isn’t the peeing enough?
So, OK, she pooped, and how exciting, look, there’s green faux-poop in the potty! Oy vey.
A couple days after BATP’s inaugural eating-and-pooping session, I was in the playroom with the kids when BATP announced that she had to go potty. My daughter looked at her from across the room, then continued playing with Zan and me.
“Hurry, Mommy, hurry!” BATP begged.
“Aren’t you going to go help her?” I asked my daughter, who shook her head “No” with a guilty look on her face.
“Hurry! Hurry!” BATP continued, but to no avail. Apparently, my daughter had already gotten her fill of motherhood.
“Uh-oh. I made a stinky,” BATP announced … and she sounded just a little too cutesy about it—as if she knew that the child who was supposed to make sure she didn’t unload in her pants no longer was interested in handling that task, and responsibility for the matter would now rest with that child’s parents. The joke was on her, though, because, after years of changing poop-filled diapers for my long-ago-potty-trained kids, there was not a chance in hell I was going to start doing it for a doll. Stew in it, buttercup, ’cause I got nothin’ for ya.
A day or two later, however, BATP still had not been tended to, and because I am a borderline-OCD-afflicted clean freak, I could no longer deal with her slop-covered, faux-feces-ridden presence, so I took her upstairs, stripped her down and gave her an enema to get all of the dried and coagulated slime out of her digestive tract. I then suggested to my daughter that we stick with giving her water, but no more food.
My daughter relayed this information to Mommy later in the day by telling Mommy that she no longer wanted to feed BATP, because “it’s yucky.” Mommy, however—who does not share my anal-retentive/OCD-ish neuroses—knew that any suggestion of taking the “pooping” out of Baby Tink & Poops’ job description must have originated with me, and quickly assured my daughter that she could forget about what silly Mr. No-Fun Daddy had said; the feeding and the pooping could continue.
OK, fine. I could deal with that, because the rule book says: “She who rescinds a declaration issued by Daddy subsequently is responsible for the aftermath of the rescinding.” BATP would now be Mommy’s problem.
But here’s the part of the story where BATP really earns the honor of being dubbed the You’ve Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me Doll: my wife and kids returned home from running errands the other day, and among the things they had purchased while out was a fresh supply of “food” and diapers for BATP.
Now, firstly, fuck that noise. Plus, also, no fucking way. Like I said: I have a sense of humor, but I am not working for The Man so that we can keep Ms. Shit & Piss well-fed and diapered. Helllllllll no. (Oh, and a special memo to the toy-company assclown who thought up this little scam: You suck.)
Fortunately, BATP has since been mostly forgotten, and has been sitting in the position and manner shown above for days—and, as far as I’m concerned, she can wallow in dried green goo until the house crumbles down around her, because to bring her upstairs and clean her would be to remind my daughter of her existence, thereby starting up the whole cycle again.
Of course, BATP might have a new lease on life nonetheless, because, among the dirty dishes I cleaned last night, I discovered this:
(And, no, doing dishes for a fake baby who fake shits herself doesn’t feel the least bit ridiculous. Why would you think that?)
So it looks like Mommy might be getting ready to resuscitate her—which is fine … as long as she starts wearing cloth diapers and eating like a flea. For I am the Lord of the Manor here, and there will be no more of this buying-food-and-diapers-for-a-doll nonsense on my watch.
It feels good to say shit like that previous sentence … because it allows me to pretend for a second that there’s some truth to those words.
There isn’t. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. Gotta keep bringing in that paycheck so the fake-pooping doll doesn’t fake starve to death.
Oh my God, you are such a funny man! I’m seriously laughing out loud and I love your blog.
I started smiling after the first few sentences, but after “And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself” I didn’t stop guffawing. And guffawing is seriously good.
Thanks for the heads up. We will forever avoid the babydoll aisle from now on, as that will NOT enter my house, I wipe enough ass each day. Ick.
“Stew in it, buttercup, ’cause I got nothin’ for ya.”
I wish you could hear my ridiculous, obnoxiously loud laugh.
You are now at the top of my favorites list, sir.
I too made awkward laughing noises as I read this!!!
That doesn’t sound like a toy but a responsibility and as a single man who doesn’t like responsibility I’d have to say “no way!” I recently returned a friends dog to his parents because I couldn’t dog sit for him because his dog shed too much – at least she was potty trained so i didn’t have to clean up her crap.
I feel sorry for Dora who has obviously been caste aside in favour of the Blonde. That IS Dora lying there isn’t it?
Hey it could be worse. Jayna could have picked the newest improved baby Alive. She tinks and poops but she also VOMITS and SNEEZES PROJECTILE SNOT!
Oh she’s a hoot that one!
Frannie: Thank you for causing me to think more highly of myself than I already did. (But seriously: Thank you for the compliment. It means a lot to me.)
Milissa: See message to Frannie; ditto.
Jessica: Oh, c’mon; you can never do enough ass-wiping.
Lindsay: I’m flattered to have risen to the top of your favorites, and I, too, wish I could hear your ridiculously, obnoxiously loud laugh; not a lot of auditory feedback to be had from this blogging thing.
Brooke: How ’bout you and Lindsay book some recording-studio time, bring your laptops, read my site and send me an album of your laughter?
Eddeaux: This from the man who wrote “Marry Me … 101 Reason”? Hmmm. I take it “… and as a single man who doesn’t like responsibility …” didn’t make it into the Top 101?
Belle Bamford: Good eye, Belle. Actually, that is Dora’s baby sister … who Jayna lovingly refers to as “Girl Baby.” She has a brother, “Boy Baby.” Are you seeing a trend here? I think my daughter is a bit too literal.
Licha: Ick.
you rock, and are hysterical. thank you for that this morning!
Found your blog through a comment to BOSSY. So glad I did–thanks for the laughs! I never liked dolls as a kid, and hated the one that peed. This pooping doll would’ve totally freaked me out.
Could you send some snow to DC? We haven’t had a good snow in a LONG time–we get “dustings” and freezing rain. Yuck.
OMG! That entry had the tears rolling down my face. Did you know
that you can also buy little pets for dolls that come with their own fake poop and scooper accoutrements?
https://thepioneerwoman.com/2006/12/tanner_the_barb.html
Please, keep us laughing in the midst of all this New England snow!
Your blog is my favorite new find! Between you making me giggle and Jon Lester turning up for camp a week early, I may just survive this winter…
You may look back and wish you hadn’t suggested that. Just wait…!
HAHAHA! They still make these?? I had a Baby Alive as a child and remember the green glop well (and so, I’m sure, does my poor mother). What a riot. But…what have they done with her face?! It’s giving me the creeps!
Fantastic post DS ^_^
Ali: I rock and I’m hysterical? My head’s never going to fit through this office door …
Val: Glad you’re enjoying my writing. And I will happily send all future snowstorms your way; I’ve had enough!
Meg: How ’bout we all just agree to put a moratorium on poop toys of any kind, mkay?
Melanie: To be mentioned alongside Jon Lester as one of the two things helping you survive this brutal winter is an honor indeed. Thank you
Lindsay: Bring it.
reen: There’s very little about this doll that isn’t creepy.
Maelstrom: Thanks, dude.
OMG!!!! I laughed so hard I’m wheezing! You are the funniest guy in my world!!
Thank you for starting off my day with a good laugh!!!
Julie: Thanks for making my night.
Calamity Anne: My pleasure. Thanks for letting me know it gave you a good laugh.
We got this doll for my daughter’s 4th birthday in November that’s all she wanted so we gave in and spent $50 on this silly doll. She played with the doll all day until it pooped on her lap and the poor doll hasn’t seen day light since Nov. 28! This post was a good laugh! I found your blog through thepioneerwoman.com, you are one funny guy!
Wow.. never thought they could improve this doll – now it talks!? I had 2 Baby Alive dolls as a little girl. I feel so sorry for my parents after reading your post!
I so could have told you to steer clear of Baby Alive. Not only is she freakish looking with those huge alien-like bug eyes, but she poops and she will giet boring and start smelling to high heaven if you don’t give her a thorough enema after each “movement.” As a child I swore I would never get a Baby Alive for my kids. I’m sticking to my guns too. That doll is nothing more than a smelly money trap. However, I really enjoyed your post. I laughed and laughed. It was especially funny remembering my own Baby Alive. I wound up throwing that thing in the trash. But at least she was normal looking. This new one is ETish and freaking looking. I say put her in the very back of the closet – wrapped in an old towel, inside a trashbag, shoved in a shoebox (okay bootbox) BEHIND the toybox. Make sur everything she came with is hidden with her.
Found you via Pioneer Woman.
This post was funny up until the “I took her upstairs, stripped her down and gave her an enema” line. Then it became spit-take hilarious.
Have read a number of your stories and have been laughing the whole time. Thanks for keeping me from my work. Consider yourself bookmarked.
.-= Dave´s last blog ..Another Month. Another Post =-.
Oh yeah… I remember those days.. .Just wait till your real baby girl brings home the first boyfriend… I can’t wait to read that post.
This is still the funniest blog post I have EVER read ANYwhere. I reread it when I need a good hard-laugh-til-I-cry/wheeze. Although I don’t comment everytime;)
Merry Christmas to you and your beautiful family.
Thank you, Julie. 🙂 Same to you.
Stumbled onto your site from the Dooce community. This post is hilarious! Thank God I have sons! The worst thing I have to deal with is oversize, phallic, Lego Star Wars contraptions.
Oh God (hahahahahhahaha)
I can’t wait to pop out kids of my own…
…or can I? 🙂
.-= Gina´s last blog ..2009’s top twelve (January-June) =-.
Found your website through a comment on Dooce, and started reading straight from the beginning. This post was absolutely hilarious. As the mother of a 1 year old boy, I had always envisioned that my life would be complete if our next child was a girl: the american dream, right? After reading this, I’m ready to pop out boy after boy after boy! I’ll take rock throwing, toy climbing and frog eating over doll shit anyday!!
I saw your blog on a friend of a friend’s Facebook profile. This is my first read, but sooooo funny!! Love it!
Hilarious! I just recently discovered your blog and am
thoroughly enjoying it- for realz. Pure awesomeness!
I come over from pioneer woman’s site.You are hilarious.Will certainly be checking in once in a while.
Holy Shit!
Just found you from PW. This is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever read. I cannot BELIEVE that such a doll exists. GROSS. Yet another reason to hold off on procreation. Now, I’m going to spend an obscene amount of time peeing myself silly reading your blog.
Holy crap, I just about spewed water all over my desk at work. I refuse to buy my girls anything that does anything life-like… move, eat, pee, poop, and for God’s sake why are there doll’s that breathe?
OMG, you are the funniest guy on the planet! Looove your blog. I’m telling all my friends about you, too. Keep up the fantastic writing!
Thank you! 🙂
I LOVE this post!!! Whenever I’m having a bad day, I read this. So thank you for making my afternoon better. You are one hilarious dude! I miss your posts! Please come back!! Oh Oh and my favorite player of alllll time just signed with your Sox! Wooo Hoooo! Wrong color though. lol. But I’ll take it! –Amanda– Chicago, IL
Thanks, Amanda. I appreciate it. Really.
I’ll be back soon. 🙂
so i was just browsing and came across this on google, and speaking as a autistic geek, you realy should learn to potty train an incontinent doll.
Step 1) Get a 20 packs of super glue.
Step 2) Empty the super glue in to heat proof container.
Step 3) Heat super glue slowly till liquid.
Step 4) Pour super glue into large syringe.
Step 5) Inject super glue in to dolls butt.
Step 6) Inject small amount of super glue in to dolls mouth.
Step 7) Leave to cool.
Step 8) Go celebrate not having to change any more diapers.