Since learning last week that I’ve been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email:
My name is Glenn [So-and-so] Managing Partner for [Nationally Known Life Insurance/Financial Services Company]. I recently reviewed your resume on CareerBuilder and your background would be a great fit for the Financial Services Representative position that we are looking to fill. I would like to set up a time with you to discuss career opportunities with our company in our [greater Boston area] office. I look forward to the opportunity to meet you soon!
As you can imagine, my excitement about this opportunity was overwhelming … to the point that I had difficulty remaining seated long enough to reply to Glenn’s inquiry as follows:
Thanks for your note. Please allow me to begin by asking which of the following factors made you feel I’d be such a great fit for your Financial Services Representative position in the greater-Boston area: Was it my 16 years of publishing/journalism experience; my glaringly obvious, complete, and utter lack of a background in anything even remotely related to the financial-services field; or my explicitly expressed desire to obtain employment in the greater-Philadelphia area?
Whatever the case, I’m flattered you’ve initiated contact with me, and very excited about filling this position — particularly in light of the fact that it will give me an opportunity to start my career over at age 40 in a field about which I know absolutely nothing. After all, Glenn, life is an adventure, am I right?
As you no doubt have anticipated, landing a candidate who is as perfect a fit as me for your Financial Services Representative position will require some extra enticement. In an effort to expedite this process, I have included below a list of six requirements, all of which your company must agree to meet in order for me to consider joining your team:
1.) Explain to me what the fuck a Financial Services Representative is.
2.) Guarantee my placement in a corner office on a high floor with a water view, and a desk equipped with a ’50s-style intercom system.
3.) Hire for me a secretary named Miss Wilson, whom I will summon by announcing into my ’50s-style intercom system things like “Miss Wilson, I need you to take a memo” and “Miss Wilson, clear my schedule so that I may nap” and “Miss Wilson, please bring Glenn and I some refreshments while he explains to me what the fuck a Financial Services Representative is.”
4.) Buy me a pony. (IMPORTANT: Glenn, you are to personally deliver the pony to: Jenny Lawson, a.k.a. The Bloggess, a.k.a. The Czar of Nothingness, Martindale, Texas. This will all make sense when you get there. Maybe.)
5.) Move your greater-Boston-area office to the greater-Philadelphia area.
6.) Fire yourself and hire me someone who will actually seek out qualified candidates rather than spam people who recently have uploaded their résumés to CareerBuilder.com — résumés that you yourself clearly do not read.
Your immediate attention to the above-listed items is greatly appreciated, Glenn. I look forward to working with you during your termination period.
Financial Services Representative (Whatever The Fuck That Is)
Glenn’s Former Company