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JON ZAL

Your front-row seat to my nervous breakdown

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Parenthood

Confessions of a former Daddy Blogger

February 12, 2020 3 Comments

Me

Years ago, in my former, pre-dystopian life, I had a blog where I mostly wrote about the sometimes humorous, always chaotic, generally rewarding experience of parenting two children who were, at the time, very young. I was, in the colloquial term of that fancy-free, pre-Trump day and age, a “Daddy Blogger.”

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Filed Under: Life, Parenthood

The long-overdue “Avengers: Endgame” review that literally no one has been waiting for. You’re welcome.

September 29, 2019 Leave a Comment

My problem with “Avengers: Endgame” is not that it isn’t well-paced or well-shot, or that the story is not well-conceived, or that the action isn’t amazing, or that the actors didn’t deliver great performances, or that the creators failed to bring to life a comic book in a truly eye-popping and heartfelt fashion. To the contrary, the film nailed it on those counts. In fact, as cinematic achievements go, “Avengers: Endgame” is a visual feast filled with some of the most incredible comic-book action ever committed to film, wrapped around a clever plot that, had it not been for my disappointment with some crucial character decisions, would have left me standing on my chair cheering as the credits rolled. My ability to enjoy the many otherwise excellent elements of this movie, however, was insurmountably handicapped by some storytelling choices to which I could not object more.

And so, without further ado, I give you:

“What ‘Avengers: Endgame’ Did Wrong and How It Could Have Been Awesome, According to Some Random, Old Dude with a Blog Who Has Never Created a Comic Book, Nor a Movie, Nor a Comic-Book Movie, Let Alone the Top-Grossing Comic-Book Movie of All Time.”

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Filed Under: Life, Movies, Parenthood

The nuclear option … or, Why I’ve erased my children from the blogosphere

September 1, 2015 16 Comments

My anonymous kids

“Hey Dad, what the hell is this website we found containing tons of pictures of, and stories about, us? Also, you’re an asshole and we hate you.”—My children, circa some day in the not-too-distant future

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Filed Under: Jayna, Life, Parenthood, Writing, Zan

Real-estate shaming: The newest trend in pre-adolescent douchebaggery

May 26, 2015 16 Comments

Take a look at this screen capture and tell me what you see:

zillow

Chances are you see the homepage of Zillow.com, a site where one can go and look up the supposed value of any given home. That’s what I used to see, too.

Now? Now I see this:

Allow me to explain.

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Filed Under: Life, Parenthood, Zan

Lay down your weary head, my son, and I will lull you to sleep with … a violent tale of death and dismemberment …?

March 19, 2012 34 Comments

Zan is almost nine now, and one of the great things about having an almost-9-year-old son is that the list of things I can do with him that I actually enjoy rather than endure has grown considerably since back in the days when he was a wee little tyke.

For example: Remember “Brown Bear” and “Goodnight Moon” and “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” and “Miss Spider” and “Dear Sweet Christ, My Brain Is Melting From The Monotony of Reading and Re-Reading The Same Boring Shit Over and Over and Over”? Yeah, me too. Thankfully, we have graduated to less lobotomy-inducing fare, such as the “Hardy Boys” mysteries (granted, still awful … but I only have to read them once) …. and, more recently, “Harry Potter.”

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Filed Under: Parenthood, Zan

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

February 1, 2012 43 Comments

Medicine

I know it tastes disgusting.
I know you don’t like it.
But look into my eyes; you’ll see
that I don’t give a shit.

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Filed Under: Parenthood Tagged With: Greatest Hits

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

January 25, 2012 47 Comments

One of the many adorable puppies that we will not be getting.

Dear My Children:

I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times.

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Filed Under: Life, Parenthood Tagged With: Greatest Hits

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

December 20, 2011 26 Comments

Don't judge me, you bastards. I defy ANY of you to do this job and NOT drink.

Dear Jon’s Children,

I’ve tried, children. I’ve tried to be nice. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on a shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky spot it was into which I’d been wedged. And I’ve tried.

I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but, after the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and my kind, blue eyes aren’t getting the message across … so here’s how it’s gonna be:

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio, Zan Tagged With: Greatest Hits

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ABOUT ME

Jon Zal @ The Massachusetts State House, Boston

I was born in 1970, raised just outside of Boston, and now live near Philadelphia. As a child, I thought I was going to be…
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Husband, father, writer, podcaster, drummer 🥁, Army vet (M.P. K-9 handler), ex-music journalist. #BlackLivesMatter

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal @jon_zal ·
17 Mar 1636874896516034560

If “Dream On,” a track from their very first album, was the only song @Aerosmith ever recorded, and the only lyrics @IamStevenT ever wrote, they’d be the most legendary Boston band ever.

Now factor in the rest of their career. 🤯🤘🏻

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17 Jan 1615495856526094336

53.
Cheers.

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Cheers. Twitter feed image.
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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal @jon_zal ·
16 Jan 1615067029861552128

Me, January 2022: “I’m gonna get in the best shape of my life!”

Me, January 2023: “This Dunkin’ muffin has blueberries in it, which contain antioxidants. I’m basically working out right now.”

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1 Jan 1609429806529277955

🥳🍾

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal @jon_zal ·
25 Dec 1607047694270484485

Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays, everyone. Wherever you are, whomever you’re with, I hope you’re feeling safe, warm & loved.

Image for the Tweet beginning: Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays, Twitter feed image.
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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal @jon_zal ·
25 Dec 1606878215280250882

Am I the only one who feels compelled to leave on all the Christmas lights — indoors and out — all night long on Christmas Eve? 🎄

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jon_zal avatar; Jon Zal @jon_zal ·
24 Dec 1606714808526594054

Re-upping this gem for anyone who has, or has had, young children, and fell for this evil marketing ploy under the misguided belief it would actually get your kids to behave during the holiday season.

(Mine were 8 and 6 at the time; they're now 19 & 17.)

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A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

After the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and ...

jonzal.com

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19 Dec 1604632518732533760

Sportsball is crazy today.

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The kind of Type-A madness that compels me to hang The kind of Type-A madness that compels me to hang 700 lights on a tree of this height and size is both a curse and a blessing. Love having this spectacle in my yard & spreading the holiday cheer. Enjoy! 🎄
We did it! The last time I ran an official 10K ra We did it!

The last time I ran an official 10K race, I was 18 and in Basic Training/Military Police School at Ft. McClellan, Alabama. Let's just say I'm a bit longer in the tooth and wider in the waist than I was then. 🥵

Proud to have legged it out with my boy yesterday to support @travismanionfoundation. Thanks to all who donated. (FYI: Donation link, which is in my IG bio, remains open through the end of the year.)

Official time: 55:28

#RunWithTheMarines
#MCM10K
The last time I visited the Marine Corps War Memor The last time I visited the Marine Corps War Memorial with my son, he was in utero. 😳 This Sunday, I’ll visit it with him again after we cross the finish line at the MCM 10K.

I’m running in honor of my late grandfather, Finn, a Marine who fought on Saipan, Tinian & Iwo Jima with the 4th Division during World War II.

My son and I are are also running to support the great work of the @travismanionfoundation. If you would be willing to help me reach my fundraising goal, I’d really appreciate it. Link to my fundraising page is in my bio. Thanks!
Took over the State House in Boston today with my Took over the State House in Boston today with my sis, @repjamiebelsito!
Insta vs Real Life: How I looked 20 minutes after Insta vs Real Life:

How I looked 20 minutes after finishing yesterday's 5K vs how I looked immediately after finishing yesterday's 5K. 🥵

Happy to have my boy home for the weekend ... except for the part where he passed me mid-run, did the Steve Rogers "On your left" thing & finished two minutes ahead of me. 😜

Him: 24:17
Me: 26:21

Glad we did it.

#911 #neverforget
“Would you like to return to the office?” Um “Would you like to return to the office?”

Um … nah, bruh … not so much. 🤷🏻‍♂️
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