Dear Jon’s Children,
I’ve tried, children. I’ve tried to be nice. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on a shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky spot it was into which I’d been wedged. And I’ve tried.
I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but, after the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and my kind, blue eyes aren’t getting the message across … so here’s how it’s gonna be:
You two are going to get with the program right now, because if you do not, there is going to be nothing but a sleighload of coal up in this bitch on Christmas morning, you dig? And, no, this isn’t the booze talking. Don’t let the red pajamas and goofy look plastered on my face fool you, OK? Because I will cut a bitch.
Boy Child: Enough! Enough with the whining and the crying and the moody outbursts and the falling apart about every little thing your sister does. Stop being such a pussy. You think you’ve got it bad? How do you think I feel, huh? I’ve gotta live with you lunatics, sit stock still all day long, and then spend every night flying back and forth to the North Pole so I can report your behavior to Santa! I mean, SERIOUSLY? All the technology that fat fuck delivers every Christmas, and he can’t figure out how to text? I’ve gotta fly the information to him? Asshole.
Girl Child: Same goes for you! STOP. IT. You’re cute, but you also are a spectacular pain in the ass. Stop provoking your brother, because if you don’t, and he snaps, I will turn a blind eye. The jolly fat man won’t hear a word of it from me. What he will hear about, however, is your constant “No!”-ing and back-talking and grunting and screaming and crying every time your parents ask you to do something. That shit’s over, capiche?
Repeat after me, children: “OK, Mommy. OK, Daddy.”
Good. Now stick to that script and you might actually have a shot at seeing the boatload of ridiculously expensive shit for which your parents worked their asses off gifts Santa is planning to give you this year.
Love,
Dusty
That Elf is one creepy bastard that I refuse to let in my house for fear he’ll get me at night.
I’m with Katrina. He is beyond scary.
Seriously – what is WITH the whining this time of year? I suppose it’s better than the stomach flu.
I think I’d rather have the stomach flu. At least it ends. :S
Dude. Can I use this letter for my OWN kids? It seems like the week before christmas is the WORST. I also decided to pottytrain my son this week, so I kinda put myself in the position from hell, but if my daughter rolls her eyes at me ONE more time, or if either one of them ….. grrr. It’s been never ending fighting. And the one hasn’t even STARTED her christmas break yet.
I’m gonna go ahead and throw myself from a moving vehicle now. It won’t be as painful, and imagine the peace and quiet I’ll get from the hospital room. yeah.
Awesome. ’bout time someone said what we all know those little elves are thinking! Crossing my fingers the rest of this week goes smoother for you- or that at least you have enough beers to make it through. Thanks for making me giggle everytime I read your blog! Merry Christmas!
Sooooo… your son isn’t 8 or about 8, is he?
Seriously. I have a just about 8 year old boy and an almost 5 year old girl and this letter could be written for them. Word for word.
But we do not have the creepy elf in our house, so house, so I just threaten them with no Santa. “Santa is probably VERY disappointed in you. I wouldn’t give you anything if I were him.”
And that is precisely why no Elf shall EVER reside in my house.
Creepy bastard.
Wow. I thought it was just my house. We’re not doing the elf thing (too much pressure!), but I finally pulled the Santa card this morning…twice in the space of about 30 min. I don’t know what alien has taken over my sweet child’s mind, but I hope it goes back where it came from soon. Insanity!
I loved the touch of holiday ale! Good bokeh too!
Yes…kids are terrible this time of year. You would think the elf would help.
At least th elf has good taste in beer. 🙂
Funniest thing by far I have ever seen “Elfie” as he is called in our house do, or say!! Love it!! I feel exactly the same way.
Absolutely freaking love this. My kis are now 19 & 17 so I’m not here anymore, but I soooo remember these days.
Is Dusty willing to share some of that porter? Cheers to that, elf-man.
One of my coworkers says that one year, when she and her brother got up Christmas morning, there were no gifts for them under the tree. Just stuff for mom and dad. “Boy, Santa must be very disappointed in you two,” they were told. Eventually it was discovered that Santa had “accidentally” left their presents in another room. She remembers is as being about 3 hours later, but suspects it was probably less than 30 seconds. In retrospect, she now realizes how hilarious and satisfying her parents must have found this.
The elf has a point.
Dying laughing. I totally want to have a drink with that elf. He has a lot to say. I don’t have kids, but my husband and I have a nephew and niece. We just get to watch all of this unfold from the sidelines.
Sounds like it’s been a bad day.
I didn’t have to put up with that, only had one child. Unless you count all his Dad’s whining. (No wonder we’re not married any more;)
At least Dusty has good taste in beer!
Freakin’ hysterical! I hope you enjoyed your christmas and gophers to a happy, healthy 2012!
Okay…so I think Apple likes to mess with you on spellcheck. I do not wish that you enjoyed your gophers. It should have been “here’s to”. Happy new year!
OMG…I am dying over here laughing. I’m at work and I can’t get it together… Shhhhh. Funny stuff!
hahahahahahaha….hilarious. HILARIOUS. Oh please rerun this next year during elf on the shelf season. This is awesome!
I don’t have kids. But, I feel the same as Dusty with some kids I know. I used to teach … man the letters I could have written. Again, hilarious post. Glad I found your blog!
When I suggested to my husband that we buy one of these, he nearly choked and then I remembered the time when my middle child woke up crying because the tooth fairy didn’t come and I told her it was her fault for putting the tooth too far under her pillow…who did she think the tooth fairy was? Arnold Schwarzenegger? Spent the rest of the day crying convinced I was the worst parent ever while my husband googled child abandonment stories on the internet to comfort me, “See you’re not as bad as this mother. She left her child in the car when she went to gamble” Ummmmm….yay?