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JON ZAL

Your front-row seat to my nervous breakdown

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The nuclear option … or, Why I’ve erased my children from the blogosphere

September 1, 2015 16 Comments

My anonymous kids

“Hey Dad, what the hell is this website we found containing tons of pictures of, and stories about, us? Also, you’re an asshole and we hate you.”—My children, circa some day in the not-too-distant future

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Filed Under: Jayna, Life, Parenthood, Writing, Zan

Real-estate shaming: The newest trend in pre-adolescent douchebaggery

May 26, 2015 16 Comments

Take a look at this screen capture and tell me what you see:

zillow

Chances are you see the homepage of Zillow.com, a site where one can go and look up the supposed value of any given home. That’s what I used to see, too.

Now? Now I see this:

Allow me to explain.

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Filed Under: Life, Parenthood, Zan

Lay down your weary head, my son, and I will lull you to sleep with … a violent tale of death and dismemberment …?

March 19, 2012 34 Comments

Zan is almost nine now, and one of the great things about having an almost-9-year-old son is that the list of things I can do with him that I actually enjoy rather than endure has grown considerably since back in the days when he was a wee little tyke.

For example: Remember “Brown Bear” and “Goodnight Moon” and “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” and “Miss Spider” and “Dear Sweet Christ, My Brain Is Melting From The Monotony of Reading and Re-Reading The Same Boring Shit Over and Over and Over”? Yeah, me too. Thankfully, we have graduated to less lobotomy-inducing fare, such as the “Hardy Boys” mysteries (granted, still awful … but I only have to read them once) …. and, more recently, “Harry Potter.”

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Filed Under: Parenthood, Zan

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

December 20, 2011 26 Comments

Don't judge me, you bastards. I defy ANY of you to do this job and NOT drink.

Dear Jon’s Children,

I’ve tried, children. I’ve tried to be nice. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on a shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky spot it was into which I’d been wedged. And I’ve tried.

I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but, after the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and my kind, blue eyes aren’t getting the message across … so here’s how it’s gonna be:

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio, Zan Tagged With: Greatest Hits

It’s a good thing I’m so naturally crafty and handy and oh wait no I’m not

March 29, 2010 24 Comments

Pinewood Derby

It was supposed to be so simple: take the little block of wood, cut it into a car-like shape, slap some paint on it, attach the wheels, ta-dah, done, finished, no sweat.

Of course, when it comes to me, nothing is simple … particularly a pseudo-carpentry project.

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Filed Under: Parenthood, Zan

Daddy Coaches

April 29, 2009 5 Comments

Coach Daddy & Zan at our first White Sox tee-ball game

The title of this post seemed a lot more clever when my blog was titled “Daddy Scratches.” Just thought you should know. -JZ

Hey, everybody! So, yesterday was the first tee-ball game of the season, and I gotta tell ya—

[Ring-ring … ring-ring … ring-ring]

Oh, excuse me for a moment; I have to take this call.

Hello? This is him. Who? Theo? Seriously? You what? Really? Well, um, yes, I’d love to! Thanks so much! OK, great! See you at Fenway next week!

Wow! That was Theo Epstein, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox. He wants me in the dugout for the team’s next home series. Seems the word is out about what a stellar coaching job I did with Game 1.

Hey, a man can dream.

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Filed Under: Parenthood, Red Sox, Zan

That big circle I just leapt out of? Yeah, that was my comfort zone

April 14, 2009 13 Comments

There was a moment during my first few horrific days of Army basic training when it occurred to me that I, shithead extraordinaire, was the one who volunteered to be there, and that, therefore, the misery I was experiencing was, in the words of the great Robert Plant, “na-na-na-na-na-na-na-noooooobody’s fault but mine.”

I experienced a similar epiphany yesterday when I found myself standing in the middle of a baseball diamond coaching 11 youngsters during their first tee-ball practice.

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Filed Under: Parenthood, Zan

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FEATURED POSTS

Take Me Out to the Therapist… Take Me Out to the Shrink…

An Open Letter of Apology to President Barack Obama

No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

Daddy Vader

If not for The Force, Darth Vader would have totally gotten his ass kicked, because that suit? Not very practical.

Van Halen (or, The Band That Ate My Life)

There must be a reckoning

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me ... in a field about which I know nothing

Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

Gene Simmons on stage

Dear Gene Simmons of KISS, a.k.a. My Childhood Hero: I think there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. Either that, or you’re an overly sensitive dick.

Is it November yet?

Don't miss a thing!

Sorry for yelling. Just trying to generate some excitement. Anyway ... enter your email address and you'll get a notification when I publish a new blog post. (I will never spam you.)

ABOUT ME

Jon Zal @ The Massachusetts State House, Boston

I was born in 1970, raised just outside of Boston, and now live near Philadelphia. As a child, I thought I was going to be…
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Hold my calls. 🤙🏻 Hold my calls. 🤙🏻
Hey now from the Jersey shore. 🤙🏻 Snooki say Hey now from the Jersey shore. 🤙🏻
Snooki says “Hi.”
When the @celtics & @nhlbruins both have a playoff When the @celtics & @nhlbruins both have a playoff game on the same night. 🙄 (Might put the @redsox on my iPhone after I post this.) #BostonStrong
The kind of Type-A madness that compels me to hang The kind of Type-A madness that compels me to hang 700 lights on a tree of this height and size is both a curse and a blessing. Love having this spectacle in my yard & spreading the holiday cheer. Enjoy! 🎄
We did it! The last time I ran an official 10K ra We did it!

The last time I ran an official 10K race, I was 18 and in Basic Training/Military Police School at Ft. McClellan, Alabama. Let's just say I'm a bit longer in the tooth and wider in the waist than I was then. 🥵

Proud to have legged it out with my boy yesterday to support @travismanionfoundation. Thanks to all who donated. (FYI: Donation link, which is in my IG bio, remains open through the end of the year.)

Official time: 55:28

#RunWithTheMarines
#MCM10K
The last time I visited the Marine Corps War Memor The last time I visited the Marine Corps War Memorial with my son, he was in utero. 😳 This Sunday, I’ll visit it with him again after we cross the finish line at the MCM 10K.

I’m running in honor of my late grandfather, Finn, a Marine who fought on Saipan, Tinian & Iwo Jima with the 4th Division during World War II.

My son and I are are also running to support the great work of the @travismanionfoundation. If you would be willing to help me reach my fundraising goal, I’d really appreciate it. Link to my fundraising page is in my bio. Thanks!
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