Dear Boston, Philadelphia and Phoenix:
I’m sorry. I was only trying to help. I had no idea that my ownership of your team’s baseball cap would result in disaster.
Boston, it is well documented that, via various OCD-ish rituals, I did my best to will the Red Sox into the playoffs. Amazingly, my neurotic behavior wasn’t enough to ward off the team’s mind-bogglingly epic meltdown.
Philly, you can blame me if you want to, but your ire would be better directed at the spectacularly underachieving Red Sox. You see, in the moments immediately following their humiliating final loss of the season, I was so disgusted with them — and so eager to deaden the pain they had caused me — that I decided to fully embrace my Philly-area residency by purchasing Phillies caps for not only myself, but for my entire family. That worked out well, huh?
Phoenix, I know this won’t make you feel any better, but I feel like you deserve to know the truth: The only reason I own a Diamondbacks cap is that I coached my son’s little-league version of your team. That, coupled with the fact that I lived in your area for a few years, made me marginally interested in seeing your team advance. Clearly, that’s all it took for me to fuck things up for you guys, too.
In closing, please allow me to again apologize for purchasing your respective team’s baseball cap, and for rooting for them in general. Never again shall I underestimate the extent of my influence over events that any sane person would realize have nothing to do with me.
Condolences,
-Jon
How could you know…
One (only?) of the big advantages being a Cub fan I guess–what I do, buy, wear will have little impact on the outcome. Theo should be learning this soon, I imagine.
My husband is one of those insufferable Cards fans, so between these stupid ass squirrels and that “Written In the Stars” song, this postseason may ruin my marriage. Is there a hat for that?
Please, please go buy a Rangers cap!!!
I hope you don’t own a Tigers cap.
Please return your Phillies hat to:
The Phillies
Citizens Bank Park
One Citizens Bank Way
Philadelphia, PA 19148
If we do not receive your hat by the time pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training, a van load of South Philadelphians will stop by to pick it up.
Feel free to commence rooting for the Phillies once your hat has been returned. Please note, my wife, Zan, and Jayna may keep theirs.
In the meantime, please buy a St. Louis Cardinals hat.
I will send you a Rangers hat!
PLEASE go out and buy a St. Louis Cardinals hat ASAP!!
This Brewers fan thanks you muchly! ;o)
I’m shocked that your even talking about Sports. Back at Ft. Irwin, you had no interest in Sports. While I was playing softball for the MP team, you were off sleeping in the desert with your dog.
Believe me, dude: No one’s more shocked than me. 🙂
Nice to see you ’round here. How you doin’?
Could you do me a favor? Go pick up a Brewers Cap, a Rangers Cap, and (just to be safe) a Tigers cap.
Send me the bill.
Cleaver title, fun post. I used to think the Seahawks won ONLY when I didn’t watch the game.
Rooting for the Tigers here in Michigan. Please buy a Rangers hat first thing Saturday morning!
I have no comment on what team apparel you should or shouldn’t wear. I’m not a fan of any particular team. But I am irrationally impressed with that photo of your hats. That’s a nice looking hat photo.
Thank you. You’re too kind. 🙂
I like the image that you have put up with your post. It looks colorful and also makes your blog look interesting. My only suggestion to you is “Let bygones be bygones”
Please never decide to root for the University of Alabama.