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JON ZAL

Your front-row seat to my nervous breakdown

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Parenthood

Berated by Bono

March 12, 2009 5 Comments

Bono berating me from the stage.

Um, well, actually, Mr. Bono, now that you mention it …

(Sorry, kids. You’ll get the story, but not tonight. Aiming for tomorrow.)

(Also, FYI: This kind of unfortunate incident can be avoided in the future if one of you would like to make an enormous donation to the “Help Jon Zal Quit His Day Job” fund. I’m just sayin’ …)

Filed Under: Life, Music, Parenthood

Another mouth to feed

February 3, 2009 40 Comments

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners?

Baby Alive Tink & Poops

This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself, amirite?

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio Tagged With: Greatest Hits

And the Academy Award for Best Parent in an Improv Performance While Operating an Automobile goes to …

January 13, 2009 8 Comments

Tuesday is my morning to chauffeur the lovely Miss Jayna to her nursery school, and doing so is always a bit of a crap shoot, because I never know which Jayna I’m going to get. Will it be the “Yay! School!” Jayna, or the “I DON’T WANNA GO TO SCHOOL! [weeping and crying and screaming]” Jayna?

This morning, it seemed to be the middle ground: she was neither psyched nor horrified by the prospect … and when your child is balancing between the realms of “Best Possible Outcome” and “Worst Possible Outcome,” ye must tread lightly and be on the lookout for potential landmines, for one wrong move and BOOM! And that explosion, brothers and sisters, will topple your little bundle of joy from the balance beam of ambiguity into a very clearly defined emotional realm, and you will wish you could put your fingers in your ears and curl up in a ball until The Screaming and The Crying have stopped.

And you definitely, definitely, de-fin-ite-ly do not want The Screaming and The Crying to take place as you attempt to part with your little bundle of joy during the preschool drop-off, because then you have yourself A Situation—or, worse yet, A Scene.

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood

Nine Inch Wiggles

February 22, 2006 Leave a Comment

nin

See the guy in the middle up there with the big guns and the buzz cut? That’s Trent Reznor, the mastermind behind the industrial-rock juggernaut known as Nine Inch Nails.

I am quite fond of Mr. Reznor and his music. (This is what we in the writing business refer to as “an understatement.”)

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Filed Under: Music, Parenthood

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FEATURED POSTS

Gene Simmons on stage

Dear Gene Simmons of KISS, a.k.a. My Childhood Hero: I think there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. Either that, or you’re an overly sensitive dick.

No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

Van Halen (or, The Band That Ate My Life)

Daddy Vader

If not for The Force, Darth Vader would have totally gotten his ass kicked, because that suit? Not very practical.

Is it November yet?

Hell hath no fury like white-male privilege threatened

Take Me Out to the Therapist… Take Me Out to the Shrink…

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

An Open Letter of Apology to President Barack Obama

There must be a reckoning

ABOUT ME

Jon Zal @ The Massachusetts State House, Boston

I was born in 1970, raised just outside of Boston, and now live near Philadelphia. As a child, I thought I was going to be…
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