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JON ZAL

Your front-row seat to my nervous breakdown

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Take Me Out to the Therapist… Take Me Out to the Shrink…

June 5, 2013 6 Comments

The game of baseball has become a major part of my family’s life … which, based on the following photo, should come as a surprise to no one. I mean, let’s face it: when your background includes playing on a team of this caliber, your family is pretty much guaranteed a baseball-rich life:

Topeka

I’ll point myself out in a moment, but first: How ’bout that coach, huh? He makes Morris Buttermaker look like Anthony Robbins. Of course, in his defense: Look at the collection of misfits he had to work with. I would suggest that his lack of enthusiasm was well justified.

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Filed Under: Baseball, Greatest Hits, Life, Portfolio

Live Review: Van Halen in Philadelphia

March 6, 2012 Leave a Comment

Photo by Jon Zal

Originally published on March 6, 2012 at SoundSpike.com

Only a complete a fool would expect the 56-year-old version of Edward Van Halen to play with the same kind of turbo-charged fury and mind-blowing complexity that knocked the rock world on its collective ass more than three decades ago. And yet, that is exactly what the guitar legend did in Philadelphia Monday night (3/5).

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Filed Under: Music, Portfolio, SoundSpike Tagged With: Live Review, SoundSpike, Van Halen

Live Review: Van Halen at Cafe Wha? in New York City

January 6, 2012 Leave a Comment

Photo by Jon Zal

Originally published on Jan. 6, 2012 at SoundSpike.com

Halfway through Van Halen’s blistering Thursday night (1/5) set at New York City’s Cafe Wha?, reinstated frontman David Lee Roth posed a question to the crowd: “Have you noticed that Van Halen fans have decided they’ve had a great time [at the show], like, three weeks in advance?”

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Filed Under: Music, Portfolio, SoundSpike, Van Halen Tagged With: Live Review, SoundSpike, Van Halen

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

December 20, 2011 26 Comments

Don't judge me, you bastards. I defy ANY of you to do this job and NOT drink.

Dear Jon’s Children,

I’ve tried, children. I’ve tried to be nice. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on a shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky spot it was into which I’d been wedged. And I’ve tried.

I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but, after the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and my kind, blue eyes aren’t getting the message across … so here’s how it’s gonna be:

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio, Zan Tagged With: Greatest Hits

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

November 16, 2011 28 Comments

Before dinner

“Ugh. Brains,” I whispered to my wife after the chef announced that the third course would include sweetbreads.

“What?”

“Sweetbreads,” I whispered, “are brains.”

“Oh,” she said, sounding rather amused, though far from relieved. “I thought they were balls.”

Hey, they might as well have been balls, because guess what brains and balls both have in common? Neither one goes in my mouth.

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Filed Under: Greatest Hits, Life, Portfolio

No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

May 13, 2010 21 Comments

Pretty sure the fish in the metaphor are presumed to be swimming, but, still … live fish, dead fish … put ’em in a barrel and they’d be easy to shoot is the point, amirite?

OK, seriously: What’s with all the hubbub about high unemployment rates in this country? Because I’m still two business days away from my lay-off, and already the job offers are coming at me faster than I can keep up with them. You jobless whiners out there must be a bunch of losers; this job-search shit is even easier than kicking my kids’ asses at Candyland.

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Filed Under: Greatest Hits, Life, Portfolio

Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

May 12, 2010 32 Comments

Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me ... in a field about which I know nothing
Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me … in a field about which I know nothing

Since learning last week that I’ve been laid off from my job of the past 10 years, I’ve been feeling a bit anxious and unsettled. So imagine my relief when, this morning, just a few short days after uploading to CareerBuilder.com a copy of my résumé, I received the following email:

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Filed Under: Greatest Hits, Life, Portfolio

Another mouth to feed

February 3, 2009 40 Comments

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners?

Baby Alive Tink & Poops

This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself, amirite?

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio Tagged With: Greatest Hits

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FEATURED POSTS

There must be a reckoning

No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

Gene Simmons on stage

Dear Gene Simmons of KISS, a.k.a. My Childhood Hero: I think there’s been a terrible misunderstanding. Either that, or you’re an overly sensitive dick.

Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me ... in a field about which I know nothing

Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

Take Me Out to the Therapist… Take Me Out to the Shrink…

An Open Letter of Apology to President Barack Obama

Is it November yet?

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

Hell hath no fury like white-male privilege threatened

Van Halen (or, The Band That Ate My Life)

ABOUT ME

Jon Zal @ The Massachusetts State House, Boston

I was born in 1970, raised just outside of Boston, and now live near Philadelphia. As a child, I thought I was going to be…
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Better-than-average afternoon. Got to attend sound Better-than-average afternoon. Got to attend soundcheck at @mammothwvh. I remember bracing myself for disappointment when I was about to first hear the work of Edward’s son; didn’t wanna get my hopes up … so imagine my elation when it turned out that his music gave, and gives, me the same chills that his Dad’s did.

Psyched for tonight’s performance. 
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