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JON ZAL

Your front-row seat to my nervous breakdown

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Greatest Hits

I’ve narrowly cheated death yet again

April 21, 2014 38 Comments


There are many downsides to being a hypochondriac … but it does have its benefits. Take yesterday, for example. Yesterday, I headed to my doctor’s office for the third time in about two weeks … which, for me, is unprecedented, since my immune system is basically on par with Wolverine’s. And yet, despite my mutant healing powers, I’ve had a persistent cough for, like, a month now.

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Filed Under: Life, Portfolio Tagged With: Greatest Hits

Just take the fucking medicine! A nursery rhyme.

February 1, 2012 43 Comments

Medicine
I know it tastes disgusting.
I know you don’t like it.
But look into my eyes; you’ll see
that I don’t give a shit.

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Filed Under: Parenthood Tagged With: Greatest Hits

Why, yes, children, of course we can get a dog … and by “yes” I mean “fuck no.”

January 25, 2012 47 Comments

One of the many adorable puppies that we will not be getting.

Dear My Children:

I’m sorry, but you’re not going to wear me down on this one. Sometimes Daddy has to be a dick. This is one of those times.

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Filed Under: Life, Parenthood Tagged With: Greatest Hits

A letter to my children from The Elf on the Shelf

December 20, 2011 26 Comments

Don't judge me, you bastards. I defy ANY of you to do this job and NOT drink.

Dear Jon’s Children,

I’ve tried, children. I’ve tried to be nice. For days now, I’ve sat quietly on a shelf, or hung from the Christmas tree, or peered down upon you from atop the mantle or the cabinets or the china cupboard or whatever other wacky spot it was into which I’d been wedged. And I’ve tried.

I’ve tried, by virtue of my silent presence, to gently coax you into compliance with your parents’ wishes. And I had hoped that my mere presence alone would be enough to keep you in line … but, after the display the two of you put on this morning, it has become clear to me that my pixie-ish grin and my kind, blue eyes aren’t getting the message across … so here’s how it’s gonna be:

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio, Zan Tagged With: Greatest Hits

Another mouth to feed

February 3, 2009 40 Comments

I can’t believe I forgot to introduce you all to the newest member of the family! Where are my manners?

Baby Alive Tink & Poops

This little bundle of joy is Baby Alive Tink & Poops. No, that’s not her real name, but that is what Jayna has been calling her since, like, a year ago when she first saw the commercial. As you can probably surmise, the “Tink & Poops” part means she not only urinates—which is just so yesteryear—but she also defecates. And if there is one thing we need around here, it is a fake baby who shits herself, amirite?

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Filed Under: Jayna, Parenthood, Portfolio Tagged With: Greatest Hits

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FEATURED POSTS

Take Me Out to the Therapist… Take Me Out to the Shrink…

Daddy Vader

If not for The Force, Darth Vader would have totally gotten his ass kicked, because that suit? Not very practical.

Hell hath no fury like white-male privilege threatened

Is it November yet?

Van Halen (or, The Band That Ate My Life)

Turns out I have a bright future ahead of me ... in a field about which I know nothing

Man, this finding-a-new-job thing is going to be easier than I thought

Zombie Dinner Party … with your chef, Dr. Hannibal Lector

There must be a reckoning

An Open Letter of Apology to President Barack Obama

No, really: This job-search thing is like shooting fish in a barrel

ABOUT ME

Jon Zal @ The Massachusetts State House, Boston

I was born in 1970, raised just outside of Boston, and now live near Philadelphia. As a child, I thought I was going to be…
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